Cutter.

I hate the stigma that's attached to people who "cut." I think it's a very common misconception that the people who resort to self-harm are seeking attention. I think more often than not, the people who hurt themselves work very hard to hide it.

I remember thinking in high school (ninth grade-era) when I knew someone who cut that it seemed so idiotic. That there was absolutely no reason for anyone to hurt themselves at all. It just seemed like any intelligent person would be able to find a different way to deal with things. I realize now how terribly wrong I was. Well, I mean, I realized it before, but still. "Now" as in "relatively recently," as in... within about the past nine or ten months.

I don't think it's something a weak person does, or something a stupid person does. Yes, there are those people-- the ones who really do things like that for attention-- but I think that the vast majority of the people who hurt themselves are doing it as an outlet. It doesn't matter what kind of outlet, but it hurts to think that someone might not have any other way to get what is going on in their head out.

I've never written about it anywhere except in private to myself, and I told Lindsey about it, but I've "cut" before. I hate calling it that... it has such negative connotations. And, really, I guess it is a "negative" action, because it certainly isn't positive, but... whatever. Anyway. I've done it before, and I stopped before Christmas this past year in 2006. Every time I looked at my wrist, though, I could see the faint red area where it was scarred, just not very deeply.

Anyway, I haven't done it in a long time until... today. And it really scares me that I lost control. I think I'm being brave by writing about it here. I'm hoping that by telling people it'll help. I won't tell anyone in person (unless they read this, in which case, I probably deserve it)-- at least not unless it gets bad again. The scariest part is that I keep finding ways to justify it.

I don't like this part of myself. I knew it was going to happen, too, as stupid as that sounds. I wrote about it someplace else. I think growing up and being a human being is scary in itself. I don't think it's helping that I don't fit in where I live in this tiny, rural town in Bible-Belt-Virginia. I'm trying to get away, and my dad especially doesn't understand...

I told him on AIM tonight something that I think fits really well. It's just too hard. I hope I change my mind about that.