Starting Fresh

It's 12:26am, and that means that it's 01 April. I've been thinking a lot lately, and reading a lot lately has helped push my brain along to think more. I've watched Sunshine (and I feel a little ridiculous for being so obsessed with it, but I'm kind of intrigued by how I don't just dabble in things-- I get completely wrapped up in them) twice now, and I feel compelled to do more than just take it at face value.

I feel like I'm growing up.

It's scary for something like this to happen so suddenly. I felt grown up when I went to stay in New York City by myself when I was 18. I felt grown up when I took a week's vacation to Canada by myself when I was 19. I felt pretty grown up in February when I went to London alone and was 20-- and being 20 is pretty grown up as well. But now things are very different. It's odd. The first time I was in London, I felt the same. Since I've been back from the second trip-- maybe it was even while I was around those few days-- I've just had a sort of epiphany. It's not the type of epiphany I can even put into words, because I'm definitely not eloquent enough to explain it, but it's something that's changing, for sure.

I think it dawned on me the most when I was reading something that Gia sent to me. It was a couple of days after the second time I'd seen Sunshine. I cried during the film, but because I'm an emotional mess when it comes to these characters anyway, and in a way, the ending of the film moved me enough to at least make that spot in the middle of my chest ache for a second, but as I was reading what she wrote and thinking about what it meant and how it related to the film, and then about how it related to me I just started crying. I was crying over a film I had seen two days earlier. That has never happened to me. It was a moment of clarity.

And now there's all sorts of high school drama at the theater where I work. One of the members of management (not me, clearly) says he does not like the drama and the way the employees interact with one another, but at the same time, if he's angry at one of the teenagers who works there, if they try to get his attention, he turns away and won't speak to them. How is that helping the situation? He's acting exactly like them-- only it's worse because he's supposed to be setting an example.

I just don't have tolerance for it anymore. It's arrogant of me to even think things like this, but I feel like I've been too many places and seen too much of the world (which is silly, since I've seen hardly anything at all) to be bothered by something so petty as a grown man's interaction with the teenagers he employs and how he has absolutely no skills necessary in working with them. I want to get out of it all and grow to be a better person instead of just accepting my life and the people in it who drag me down into their narrow-minded and ignorant ways and means. It's sickening for me to realize that I've been doing it my whole life. I always knew I wanted out of Wytheville, but I never knew exactly how much until recently. This place has absolutely nothing that I want or need in order to become a functional member of society.

So, since this is technically the first day of the month, it seems like a wonderful time to make myself into more of the person I want to be. I want to write down my goals, and I want to actually work toward them. I'm going to start taking a picture every day to represent my life and keep as a record of how I grow. I want to mature as a human being. I want to learn more about everything. I'm going to stop wasting my time as much. I'm going to become healthier. I'm going to be a better version of myself.

And I will do it. I'll be a better person by Monday, and even better than that on Tuesday. I won't be recognizable this time next year. I can't wait to meet myself.

Ironic that it's all on April Fool's Day, though.

EDIT at 1:57am: It's funny that the first thing I'm actually doing during the beginning of my new phase is planning a one-night stay in New York City to go to the Tribeca Film Festival to see Watching the Detectives. It's only about $350 for airfare and hotel, so that's less than $500 for everything... Isn't that silly? I'm planning on paying $500 to see a movie. I think it's worth it. That's the silliest part.

EDIT again at 3:06am: Gia, if you happen to read this for some reason, I just finished Flowers for Algernon. Gah. Gahhhh. It was incredible. I'll have to buy it so I can read it again instead of just borrowing it from the library. It was beautiful...